A Yuppies Guide to Walking in the Rain like a Man [Part Two]

If you haven’t already done so, go read part one! If you don’t, you’ll just be lost and left to wonder, "What is this dumb thing and why am I reading it?" I’m not saying that reading part one will answer those questions necessarily [50/50 I’d posit], but my site could really use the page hits.

Alas, if part one is "tl;dr", let me summarize it for you: get this umbrella!

Now, let’s get down to business.

Step Two: Mind Your Manners

Well done! You’ve got the proper hardware. But how do you use it? More importantly, how do you use it... like a man?!

When you expand that umbrella, you are agreeing to a [previously] unwritten code of conduct. After all, an umbrella is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT.

Let's break it down!

The Obvious Stuff

Before I dive into the subtleties, let me rattle off the UMBRELLA ETIQUETTE 101 basics, i.e. the stuff I shouldn’t have to say, but I will, in case you just became a man.

  1. Obviously, you are never, ever, to twirl the umbrella.
  2. Do not sing. It may start as an innocent whisper to yourself, "I’m singing in the rain. Just singing in the rain. What a glorious feelin’. I’m happy ag" ... crap. See, that’s how easy it is to get swept away in song! So, best off to just keep that mouth shut.

Hopefully none of this was new information. But now we’ll venture in to some trickier areas - but still, the basic rule of thumb is, above all else, BE A GENTLEMAN.

Lesson One: Share The Road

By now, Amazon should have shipped your bad-ass piece of hardware, and it’s all that you dreamed it could be. Since it’s meant to actually protect you from rain and not just look cute, it takes up it’s fair share of space. So when walking down a sidewalk, you should always yield to the other pedestrians.

This may seem annoying, and possibly superfluous, but you have to remember: other people may not have the same level of protection that you do. You are under a shield of armour. Others are not so lucky. So make sure you give others the right-of-way -- it may not seem like the yuppie thing to do, but it is the right [and therefore, manly] thing to do.

Lesson Two: Share The Load

This is a tough one [I have NOT been looking forward to this lesson]. What do you do if someone else doesn’t have an umbrella? Do you let him or her "come hither" and share the wealth? Or do you let the victim face the consequences of his or her life choices? [Let’s be real, it’s the consequences of his life choices -- if it’s a girl, you are going to share.]

After all, you came prepared, so you should be rewarded, right? And besides, you don’t want to be an umbrella-mooch enabler, do you? They have to learn at some point, don’t they? Well, actually... you are absolutely correct! Live and learn, suckers! Can’t risk getting those brand new desert boots wet!

Lesson Three: Dry It Out

The last lesson is to always dry the umbrella as much as possible before walking inside. It’s just like wiping your shoes on the shoe mat. Never bring in the slop from outside.

The only catch is, when shaking your umbrella dry, always follow the golden rule of shaking: any more than three shakes and you’re just playing with yourself... Ok, that analogy's not a perfect fit, but in all seriousness, a few hard shakes will do the trick just fine!

Now go out there and stay dry with some class!

[Stay tuned for part three!]

~ posted in personal on 01.16.2014